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Make the Workload One-sided March 28, 2009

Posted by downton in Make the Workload One-sided.
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Make the Workload One-sided

     I can tell you now that many men aren’t going to like this chapter. The reason? They don’t want to give up their privileges, which may include doing nothing much around the house, like cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, and other things that seem like work.

     They think that women are supposed to do those things. Some men even believe women have a natural gift for grunt work, although they’ll never admit it in public. It would make them look bad. To screw up a relationship, make sure that the workload is one-sided. This is most likely a woman doing too much of the work but I also keep open the possibility that the man does too much. There are some men out there who have evolved, who have lost their tails. They’re the ones who want to carry half of the work load in a relationship.

      Any time workloads are out of balance, the issues of rationalization and justice creep in. For the person not doing his or her share, all kinds of reasons will be invented to support the idea of doing less, like “I don’t have the time,” “It’s not my role,” and “I hate doing that”, “I’m not good at doing that”, like cooking, cleaning, and taking out the garbage.

     For the person who’s overworked, justice will emerge as a powerful idea. This person will experience the lack of balance in the workload and will want a change, although she or he might not push for it. Some people, even when they see the injustice of the situation, won’t push if they know their mates are going to fight about it. Wanting to avoid a fight, they give in, staying in their harness even though the load is too heavy.

     So, here’s the point. If you’re carrying too much of the load in your relationship and you’re obediently carrying it, you’re undermining up your relationship. How’s that? You’re going to be angry at your mate, perhaps without saying it, because you know that you’re being used and abused.

     If you’re not carrying your weight, you’re undermining the relationship because you’re making your mate dislike you for being so unjust. The animosity will be simmering and will eventually come out in ways that will surprise you. Animosity can flow from one realm of life into another. If it can’t come out in honest communication, it will come out suddenly in an entirely different realm. You won’t know why your mate is so angry about picking up your messes. Well, it’s because you’re not carrying your weight.

     The fact is that uneven workloads create uneven relationships and marriages. Anything out of balance will create instability. Instability will create conflicts. Conflicts will create arguments. Arguments will undermine love. When love is undermined, get ready to flush the toilet, because that’s where your relationship is going.

     If you’re carrying your share of the household and child-rearing chores, there’s a couple of little things to know that will make your mate happier. With a happier mate, love in your relationship will grow. First, when you accomplish a task, especially if it’s unexpected, tell your mate what you did. Like, if you cleaned the toilets without be asked, let it be known. Now, we don’t need to take credit for everything we do, but there are moments when we need to. Why? Because our mates often don’t notice what we do. By letting them know, we’re proving that we we’re doing essential work for the household.. Also, by sharing what we did, we get to make our mates happy. Not a bad deal, I’d say.

     The second little thing, which is probably more important, is to express appreciation to your mate for what she or he has done. If your mate has just paid all the bills, express your appreciation. If your mate just cooked the meal, express your thanks, no matter what you think of the meal. It did take effort to cook. Notice all the things your mate does that you’re thankful for and, instead of just noticing, express how much you appreciate it. When we are appreciated, we feel better and I can tell you from experience that our mates will feel better about us.


Coaching tips:

■ Work with your mate to equalize the workload in your relationship. Do it consciously, not haphazardly. Keep working on it until you both feel justice is being served. This will strengthen your relationship and nourish love.

■ When you’ve accomplished a task that’s unexpected, like weeding the yard, tell your mate. While this is self-serving, it also serves to improve your relationship because it shows that you’re helping to carry the load.

■ Express appreciation for what your mate does in terms of workload. Don’t just notice, give thanks. Do it often, not just once in awhile. You will notice that, as you increase your level of appreciation your mate will begin to do the same. With strong mutual appreciation, love will deepen and grow.


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