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Let Jealousy Reign January 4, 2009

Posted by downton in Let Jealousy Reign.
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Let Jealousy Reign

     Jealousy is nasty.  Next to hatred, it’s one of the most powerful emotions we have. Why is it so powerful? It combines fears of disloyalty, abandonment, and loss of love. The closest thing to it in life might be the fear of death. We’ve already covered some of the things that cause jealousy, like openly showing more than passing interest in someone other than our mates. Being away from home for unexplained periods of time will do the trick as well.

     Jealousy can have real substance in fact or it can be based largely on fiction. When it has no basis in fact, jealousy is a negative story we make up based on our insecurities. What kinds of insecurities are likely to do that?

     Well, if we doubt our own good looks, we’re more likely to make up a story that our mates might be doing something naughty behind our backs. If our mates are exceedingly beautiful or handsome that will add fuel to the fire. Why? Because we’ll believe that many attractive people, more attractive than us, will be trying to romance them. The more insecure we feel, the more we’ll be spinning tales of disloyalty.

     Now, I’m going to say two things about how to undermine a loving relationship and both are obvious. As I said earlier, if you deliberately try to make your mate jealous, then you’ll screw it up. If your mate is loyal and your insecurities make you jealous anyway, you’ll screw it up. We’ve already learned that we make up stories about everything and everyone and we make our stories powerful by believing they’re true.

     So, if you’re the kind of person who makes up stories about the possible disloyalty of your mate, consider whether you’re creating your own suffering and how, by doing that, you’re helping to destroy love.

     Insecurity is just one reason for becoming jealous. The other reason is that some people think they own their mates. They believe their mates are their personal property for life. This idea actually forms at a wedding, even though it’s never said outright. “Till death do us part” is the closest we come to saying it, but for some people ownership of a mate is a big idea, a dominating idea really. When you feel the right to ownership, you will want control over your mate.This can go so far as to resist any attempt on your mate’s part to have a life independent from you. You might call this love; I’d call it suffocation.

     When someone is insecure, is a big storyteller, believes in ownership, and loves control, you can count on the presence of jealousy. All this will screw up love, maybe not in the beginning when lust trumps everything, but later when the lust dies down and you actually have to learn to love each other during the ups and downs of life (“for better or for worse”).

Coaching Tips

■ Don’t do things or say things that make your mate jealous. It’s a kind of cruelty.

■ If you’re an insecure kind of person, especially about how you look, question the story you’re telling yourself. Remember that you looked good enough for your mate to fall in love with you. Also, it’s a good idea to keep working to look good. Exercise regularly, eat healthy foods, and cultivate a sense of humor And don’t forget your other gifts, like your intelligence and compassion, things that often matter more than looks.

■ If you’re the type of person who makes up negative stories that lead to jealousy, stop and reflect. How much of your story is fact and how much fiction?

■ If you view your mate as your personal property, give up some of that control so your mate can have an independent life from you. Trust and stay committed to each other. When you can be separate from each and also together in commitment, you will have created the balance which makes relationships not only last, but last with plenty of love, companionship, appreciation, and admiration.

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