Exaggeration is a quality that human beings have in abundance.  When we want someone to feel sorry for us, we’ll exaggerate how miserable we are. When we want to get our way, we’ll exaggerate how badly we’ll feel if we don’t get it.  This is making mountains out of molehills—exaggerate, exaggerate, exaggerate!  Now, if you’ve been around someone who does this, you’ll know one thing for certain—it’s no fun! If fact, people who exaggerate the size of the problems make us miserable.  If we happen to be in a romantic relationship with such a person, we’ll have a suitcase packed ‘cause one part of us is ready to leave. If we’re married to that person, the suitcase will still be packed, but leaving will be more difficult, especially if children are involved.

Do you make your problems far bigger than they are? Why do you do that? Well, let me give you a couple of possible reasons. When you make a problem bigger you get to be a martyr.  That means you get to feel like life is picking on you, or your mate is doing the picking. There are many ways for us to feel special.  We can feel special based on our accomplishments, the fact that we have personalities that shine, or even that we love our dog.  But, feeling special because we’re a martyr?  What kind of victory is that?

Not much, I’d say.

Now, there’s another reason why we make our problems bigger than they are. Are you wondering what it is? Some people want drama in their lives—they’re drama queens and kings. It’s a little like living a melodrama, where everything is exaggerated; you how, how the world is going to pot, how you can’t trust anyone, how politicians have become vampires sucking the life blood from everyone.

When we put together martyrdom and high drama, we’ll get misery, I can assure you.  Do you relish being a martyr? Does high drama suit you to a tee? If you’ve answered yes to either one, you’re screwing up your relationship.  Now, hang on, I know you don’t want to hear that, but remember, at the outset of this book, you took responsibility for the relationship not working. You can’t change anyone but yourself. So, if you’re living the high drama of martyrdom, ask what you’re trying to get from it and what messes in your relationship you make as a consequence. (If you’re sure, I mean absolutely sure, that you’re innocent and the problem belongs to your mate, have your mate read this chapter and then have a quiet, meaningful discussion about making a change.

How many arguments come from you making mountains out of molehills or by you feeling picked on by life or your significant other? Take a moment to reflect on the devastation you cause.  Now, spend some time thinking about what you will change.

And maybe, just maybe, how you’re going to ask your mate to forgive you for being such a jerk.

Coaching Tips

■ When you catch yourself making a mountain out of a molehill, stop, close your eyes, and think about how much you’re exaggerating the size of the problem. As soon as you see that, shrink the problem down so it’s small enough to solve.

■ When you catch yourself being a martyr, stop, close your eyes, and think about what you’re trying to get from feeling picked on.  When you see what you’re getting, ask yourself whether it’s worth it.

I can tell you now that many men aren’t going to like this post. The reason? They don’t want to give up their privileges, which may include doing nothing much around the house, like cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, and other things that seem like work.

Women are supposed to do those things. Some men even believe women have a natural gift for grunt work, although they’ll never admit it in public. It would make them look bad. To screw up a relationship, just make sure that the work load is one-sided. This is most likely a woman doing too much of the work but I also keep open the rare possibility that the man does too much. There are some men out there who have evolved, who have lost their tails. They’re the ones who want to carry half of the work load in a relationship.

Any time work loads are out of balance, the issues of rationalization and justice creep in. For the person not doing his or her share, all kinds of reasons will be invented to support the idea of doing less, like “I don’t have the time,” “It’s not my role,” and “I hate doing that”, like cooking, cleaning, and taking out the garbage.

For the person who’s overworked, justice will emerge as a powerful idea. This person will experience the lack of balance in work load and will want a change, although she or he might not push for it. Some people, even when they see the injustice of the situation, won’t push if they know their mates are going to fight about it. Wanting to avoid a fight, they give in, staying in their harness even though the load is too heavy.

So, here’s the point. If you’re carrying too much of the load in your relationship and you’re obediently carrying it, you’re screwing up your relationship. How’s that? You’re going to hate your mate, perhaps without saying it, because you know that you’re being used and abused.

If you’re not carrying your weight, you’re screwing up your relationship because you’re making your mate hate you for being so unjust. You may not hear the hate, but it’s simmering and will eventually come out in ways that will surprise you. Hate can flow from one realm of life into another. If it can’t come out in honest communication, it will come out suddenly in an entirely different realm. You won’t know why your mate is so angry about picking up your messes. Well, it’s because you’re not carrying your weight.

The fact is that uneven work loads create uneven relationships and marriages. Anything out of balance will create instability. Instability will create conflicts. Conflicts will create arguments. Arguments will undermine love. When love is undermined, get ready to flush the toilet, because that’s where your relationship is going.

Coaching tips:

■ Work with your mate to equalize the workload in your relationship. Do it consciously, not haphazardly. Keep working on it until you both feel like justice is being served. This will strengthen your relationship and nourish love.

]]> http://jdowntonj.wordpress.com/2009/03/28/make-the-workload-one-sided/feed/ 0 downton http://jdowntonj.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/let-your-fears-ruin-love/ http://jdowntonj.wordpress.com/2009/01/30/let-your-fears-ruin-love/#comments Fri, 30 Jan 2009 00:43:57 +0000 downton http://jdowntonj.wordpress.com/?p=282 ]]>

By now, you’re probably wondering if there an end to all the things that screw up love.  Well, the good news is that there is an end: The bad news is that we’re not there yet. This chapter covers a humongous issue that affects whether relationships thrive or die on the vine—FEAR! “Yikes”, I can hear you feel. “I don’t want to think about my fears. They’re too damn scary.” I have to agree, which is why most people don’t want to face them when thinking about their relationships. Being a love coach, I get to make you face what you don’t want to see because I know that you’ll growth from it.

Just think about all the fears you have that are connected to your relationship. Here’s a possible list.

You’re afraid it won’t last.

You’re afraid of losing passion.

You’re afraid of stagnation.

You’re afraid that your mate will have an affair.

You’re afraid that you might have an affair.

The interesting thing about fear is that it always creates a negative story. Think about your fears for a moment and then describe the stories that each one inspires in your mind. Then ask yourself what impact those fear-laden stories have on you, your relationship, and love.

Do they make you too cautious, too worried, or too tense?

Everyone has fears. They’re actually useful because they warn us of danger. Yet, if we think about fear as a thought, we discover that it always exaggerates the worst possible outcome. It’s like nature exaggerates our fears just to keep us on our toes because nature wants to make us secure and successful. Yet, if we buy the idea that fears are exaggerations, it’s also clear that they make us worry too much and make us so cautious that we’re reluctant to try anything new.

Take a minute to review the fears you’ve identified pertaining to love in your relationship. Instead of thinking they’re true, be skeptical about them. Seeing them as exaggerations of danger or disaster, see how your fear-laden stories change. For example, if you have a fear that your mate is going to leave you or be disloyal, stop and realize that story is completely blown out of proportion. When you get that fear down to the size of reality,  something will change within you that will improve your relationship and nourish love. What’s that, you’re probably wondering? When people worry too much about their mate running out on them or having an affair, they automatically cling to their mates, maybe even smother them without knowing it.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone smothered you, showing that they didn’t trust you? If you did, I’ll bet you rebelled against it. Anything overdone will create a correction. What fears do is to make us overdo things, which throws us, our life, and our relationship out of balance. When you see how important it is to seek balance within your mind, your relationships,  and your life, you can buy my tee shirt. Inscribed on front are the words, “What makes relationships work?” On the back is the answer:  “Balance.”

When we discover that our fears are exaggerations, we’re given the ability to create more balance. We lower the danger and disaster aspects of our fears so we can live and act with more confidence and courage. By putting brakes on our fears, we establish just the right around of balance to have great relationships. Just think how things will improve by putting the story that your mate will leave you in the closet. My grandfather used to say, “When you shrink down your fears to fit in the palm of your hand, you find a freer way to live and be.”

Coaching Tips

■ Take a moment to write down all the fears you have about your relationship.

■ Take your leading two fears and briefly describe the story that each conjures up in your mind. Think about the damage those stories create in your relationship.

■ Taking each of your fears in turn, describe how it’s an exaggeration. What is the real probability that it will come true? After you’ve finished shrinking down your fears to fit in the palm of your hand, go back to your two leading fears and rewrite your stories. Knowing that your fears are totally blown out of proportion, how will your relationship improve?

We know that we can’t help living with ideals. We have ideals about everything, including ideals about how our mates are supposed to look and behave and how they’re supposed to treat us. Ideals are a blessing and a curse. They’re a blessing in the sense that they set up goals for us to try to reach and they’re a curse because when we fail to reach those goals, we’ll feel disappointed and frustrated.

When our ideals pertain to our mates, they can be the source of a lot of nagging. Constant nagging will screw up love because the mate who is badgered will resent the constant pressure and resentment is a major source of discontent. So, the more you nag your mate to change, the more resentment and discontent you’re adding to the relationship. Resentment and discontent will undermine love.

If you’re a perfectionist, you’ve probably become an expert at nagging. Why? Because you’ll want your mate to be perfect. The only way for you to create a perfect mate is to insist on changes that conform to the ideal mate that dwells in your mind.

We can nag our mates about a long list to topics. We might nag about looks, fashion, diet, commitment, getting chores done, exercise, you name it. So, take a few minutes to think about how you nag your mate. What do you nag about? What are the ideals behind the nagging, how exactly do you nag, how often do you do it, and what does your nagging create?

Now, I know you’re thinking that some of your nagging is because you love your mate. You’re just insisting on changes that will be in your mate’s interest. That may be true. Maybe your mate never exercises or eats unhealthy foods and you put the pressure on so your mate will make positive changes in these areas. Even though your intentions are good, do you overdo the nagging? Is it undermining love? How could you cut down on the nagging to create a more balanced approach? How could you be more creative about nagging so your mate responds to your suggestions for change with a more open attitude?

Now, a mate who goes to an extreme, let’s say eats too much unhealthy food or never exercises, will create a nagging mate. Why? Because people automatically try to counterbalance the extremes in others. It’s an attempt to create more harmony with the balancing principle in the universe. So, if you eat too much unhealthy food or never exercise and your mate nags you about it, you’re creating the nagging.  Your mate’s nagging is an attempt to get you into better balance, knowing that a better balanced person will create a happier and longer life.

Take a few minutes to reflect on your mate’s nagging. What exactly are you badgered to do? Then, ask yourself if you’re living at an extreme in these areas. If you are, think about some changes you can make. As you make those changes, you’ll become better balanced, which will cut down on your mate’s nagging.  Less nagging will make you and your mate happier. With greater happiness, love will grow. Wouldn’t that be peachy?

If you succeed in reducing the amount of nagging in your relationship by either cutting down on the nagging or changing yourselves so the nagging stops, you can purchase my sweatshirt with the words on the back, “Caution! You’re standing behind a recovering nag.”

Coaching Tips

■ Humans are creative and they can’t help it. Be creative in the ways you approach changing each other.  Be open about it, discuss it, express what you’re trying to accomplish by nagging and how it makes both of you feel.

■ Instead of nagging your mate, learn to make simple requests for change.  See what happens.

■ Does nagging arise because one or both of you are taking something to an extreme? If so, how will you change in order to reduce or eliminate the nagging? If your nagging arises because of ideals, how will you lower your standard?

■ Reducing nagging and changing how you communicate the need for change will improve your relationship in a hurry. With less resentment over nagging, love will grow.

■ Get to know your ideals in detail. Notice how they work for and against you and then decide on changes to make. You’re creative! Create ideals and a way of living that are balanced, so you can be happier.

Jealousy is lousy. Next to hatred, it’s one of the most powerful emotions we have. Why is it so powerful? It combines fears of disloyalty, abandonment, and loss of love. The closest thing to it in life is fear of death. We’ve already covered some of the things that cause jealousy, like openly showing more than passing interest in someone other than our mates. Being away from home for unexplained periods of time will do the trick as well.

Jealousy can have real substance in fact or it can be based largely on fiction. When it has no basis in fact, jealousy is a negative story we make up based on our insecurities. What kinds of insecurities are likely to do that?

Well, if we doubt our own good looks, we’re more likely to make up a story that our mates might be doing something naughty behind our backs. If our mates are exceedingly beautiful or handsome that will add fuel to the fire. Why? Because we’ll believe that many attractive people, more attractive than us, will be trying to romance them. The more insecure we feel, the more we’ll be spinning tales of disloyalty.

Now, I’m going to say two things about how to screw up a loving relationship and both are obvious. If you deliberately try to make your mate jealous, then you’ll screw it up. If your mate is loyal and your insecurities make you jealous anyway, you’ll screw it up. We’ve already learned that we make up stories about everything and everyone and we make our stories powerful by believing they’re true.

So, if you’re the kind of person who makes up stories about the possible disloyalty of your mate, consider whether you’re creating your own suffering and how, by doing that, you’re helping to screw up love.

Insecurity is just one reason for becoming jealous. The other reason is that some people think they own their mates. They believe their mates are their personal property for life. This idea actually forms at a wedding, even though it’s never said outright. “Till death do us part” is the closest we come to saying it, but for some people ownership of a mate is a big idea, a dominating idea really. When you feel the right to ownership, you will want control over your mate.This can go so far as to resist any attempt on your mate’s part to have a life independent of you. You might call this love; I’d call it suffocation.

When someone is insecure, is a big storyteller, believes in ownership, and loves control, you can count on the presence of jealousy. All this will screw up love, maybe not in the beginning when lust trumps everything, but later when the lust dies down and you actually have to learn to love each other during the ups and downs of life (“for better or for worse”).

Coaching Tips

■ Don’t do things or say things that make your mate jealous. It’s a kind of cruelty.

■ If you’re an insecure kind of person, especially about how you look, question the story you’re telling yourself. Remember that you looked good enough for your mate to fall in love with you. Also, it’s a good idea to keep working to look good. And don’t forget your other gifts, like your sense of humor, your intelligence, things that often matter more than looks.

■ If you’re the type of person who makes up negative stories that lead to jealousy, stop and reflect. How much is your story fact and how much fiction?

■ If you view your mate as your personal property, give up some of that control so your mate can have an independent life from you. Trust and stay committed to each other. When you can be separate from each and also together in commitment, you will have created the balance which makes relationships not only last, but last with plenty of love, companionship, appreciation, and admiration.

Humans are terrible stories tellers. I say “terrible” because a lot of the stories they make up make them feel terrible. The reason people make up stories is because they have to believe they know what’s going on, when, in reality, they’re often in a fog. Certainty makes them feel good, while uncertainty makes them feel like they’re on the verge of falling off a cliff. To avoid that danger, people make up stories. It’s an odd way to feel secure, but we do it anyway.

There are two things that are true about humans and their storytelling. One is that they’re usually unaware that they’re making up stories. The other is that they can’t stop telling them. Telling stories is part of the equation of being human. So, if we can’t stop telling stories, what’s the point of discussing them? Well, it’s because, while we can’t live without making up stories, we do have some control over the stories we make up. For example, instead of living in a negative story, we can shift to a positive one. We’re still trying to nail down reality, but we just put a positive spin on it.

What does negative storytelling have to do with screwing up love? Let’s start with the negative stories people create about themselves, their careers, life, and the neighbor next door. Do you know someone like that? Is it fun to be around that person, or does it border on a nightmare? Of course it isn’t fun; it’s more like a nightmare because people who tell negative stories try to infect us with their negativity. What gives them that power is that they actually think that the negative stories they tell are true rather then stepping back to see them as their creations. One of my favorite bumper stickers reads: “Don’t believe everything you think.” If people paused to understand the power of this brief message, they could improve their relationships overnight.

What kinds of stories help to screw up our romantic relationships?
Any negative story we tell about ourselves, because when we feel bad about ourselves, we’ll feel bad about other things, like our mate, our job, you name it. Anytime we have a story that puts us down, it puts us in a negative thought pattern that spins out of control. In effect, we become a complainer. It’s hard to have a good relationship if you’re a person who complains a lot, because you’ll be constantly noticing what isn’t right about your mate and what isn’t right about your relationship. So, take a moment to think about how you make up negative stories and how they screw up your relationship.

Sometimes people have positive stories about themselves and negative stories about their mates. This gets back to the issue of comparison. If we think we’re pretty great but our mates are nut cases, we’re saying, through comparison, “What’s wrong with you and why aren’t you more like me?” This attitude will be converted into arguments in a wink. No one likes to be looked down upon. If you’re looking down on your mate, there’s a good chance that you’re screwing up love.

Negative stories poison the mind. To screw up your love big time, tell negative stories about yourself, your mate, your relationship, your job, your life. You will see the love in your relationship blow up in no time. If you succeed in destroying love by believing the fiction you make up, you can purchase my tee shirt which says on the front, “I’m a negative storyteller.” On the back, it says: “Love has no chance against me.”

Coaching Tips

■ Notice how much you make up negative stories that screw up love in your relationship by making you into a complainer. When you see clearly what you’re doing and the price you pay for it, take the following step–put a stop to it.

■ Instead of making up negative stories about your mate and your relationship, make up positive ones. If that seems impossible, change the nature of your relationship. If that’s impossible, find a new mate.

■ Remember the bumper sticker: “Don’t believe everything you think.” This will put you into a better relationship with your mind. Instead being run by your mind, learn to run it. When you can manage your thinking, you’ll have a better change of creating love that lasts.

Adding mistrust to a relationship will undermine love in a hurry. One way people do that is failing to keep their word. They say they’re going to do something and then they don’t. They say they’re going to meet their mate for lunch at noon and they get there at 12:30. They say they’re going to clean the bathroom but don’t, defending themselves with that age-old excuse, “I forgot.” People who don’t keep their word hope to get out of hot water by using another age-old tactic, “I’m sorry.”

When you give your word, do you give it as a real promise or a maybe? Does your word mean anything or is it worthless like a dry piece of toast? Count the number of times you’ve failed to keep you word in the last month alone.

I can hear you saying, “Come on, Bob, don’t take is so seriously. People can’t keep their word all the time.” Tis true, tis true, but isn’t it a good idea to make keeping your word a part of your integrity? Wouldn’t keeping your word improve your relationship so more love can grow?

Okay, here’s one of the secrets to have romance turn into long-term love: Trust is the golden tread that keeps a couple together. And trust is one of the important building blocks of love. Take a minute to think about someone in your life who doesn’t keep his or her word. How much do you trust that person? How much do you love that person? I’ll wager a bet that the answer is not much trust and not much love. The reason? While trust will make love grow, mistrust will make it wither.

Forgetting important occasions is another way to undermine trust. Forgetting an anniversary, birthday, or special day in the life of your mate will create mistrust in an instant. It means that your mate can’t count on you for caring. Indifference is heartbreaking to the person whose special day you’ve forgotten.

Keeping your word and remembering important occasions are part of being mindful in a relationship, which means knowing what to do to make it good and then doing it. It doesn’t mean just letting everything take its course; it means guiding the course of things.

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t working too well, how would being more mindful about it help you to improve it? Would keeping your word be a part of this mindfulness? Would showing special consideration to your mate by remembering important occasions be a part of it? What other mindful things could you add in what you say and do that you know would improve things and cultivate more love?

Trust—it’s the golden tread that makes relationships work well. How strong is that tread in your relationship? How well do you tend to the golden thread so it remains strong? Reflect on this for a few minutes and then jot down at least two ideas about things that you, just you, can improve.

Let’s say the destructive side of you wants to ruin the relationship. What’s the best way to cut the golden treat and bring an end to it?  Well, you already know the answer. Have an affair! In an earlier post (“Notice the Other Beautiful People”), I explained why people get sexually attracted to others as fantasies and how reality is always different.  How do we know that? Because people who have affairs often realize that their dream boats are really tug boats. At that point, they try to repair the damage with the person they married, which is often too late, because that mate wasn’t stupid. Your disloyalty was too obvious, so mistrust entered the relationship like a knife. You hurt your mate deeply and then you expect to be forgiven? Grow up! Would you want to forgive after you learned that your mate had an affair? I doubt it. You’d want to tear your mate’s eyes out to keep her or him from wandering again.

If you’re having an affair now and think your mate will forgive you, think again. Okay, maybe the words will be spoken—“I forgive you.” If you’re stupid, which you’d have to be to have an affair, you’d think you were really forgiven. But here’s reality for you, your mate may utter the forgiveness words but never, ever forget what you did. By having an affair you undermined trust and even added a bit of poison to the relationship.

One thing that happens when a mate discovers disloyalty is that the golden tread breaks. When it’s broken, it becomes a field day for having affairs. It’s revenge time!

So, if you decide to have an affair, you’ve given your mate a ticket which says: “This ticket is good for one affair. Go out and have one.” When both mates are having affairs, it’s pretty much the end of the relationship. If children are involved, they’re the innocent bystanders who suffer the most.

There’s one other thing that can damage the golden treat of trust. It’s suspicion which we bring on ourselves. Do you sometimes express to your mate how beautiful or handsome someone else is? God forbid, do you actually do that to make your mate jealous? Well if you do, you are sowing seeds of suspicion that will grow into mistrust, which is one step from your love going down the drain.  If you don’t want that, then quit cultivating suspicion and jealousy!

Coaching Tips

■ Keep your word. When you say you’re going to do something, do it! When you say you’re going to be somewhere at a certain time, be there at that time!

■ Instead of being indifferent toward your mate, make a difference by remembering important occasions and showing interest in other ways. Ask your mate questions, like “How’s your spirit today?” Show interest in your mate’s interests. Have deep conversations about what makes a difference to both of you.

■ Whenever possible, work to strengthen the golden thread of trust in your relationship.

■ If you’re tempted to have an affair, think about how you’d feel if your mate had one. How much pain would that cause you? If you think you’d be forgiven if you got caught, realize that, even if you get forgiveness, you will have damaged the relationship forever.

■ Here’s a tip I hesitate to give because people sometimes don’t want to go to the trouble of making their relationship better. If your mind wanders and you begin fantasizing about having an affair, turn your attention to the questions: How can I add more romance to the relationship I’m in? What can I do to grow more love in it?

■ My final coaching tip? Never, ever, express how attractive someone other than your mate is and never, ever, ever express how attracted you are to that person. That’s just downright cruel! Instead, compliment your mate and express how much you love him or her. Where you pay attention is where love will grow.

During the romantic stage of a relationship, we can fall into the fantasy that the person we love will satisfy all our needs. The good news is that, if it’s the right person, many of our needs will be met. The bad news is that even the right person can’t meet all of our needs. Remember, we’re different animals. If we marry the animal who is high on thinking and low on feeling, we might not receive the hugs we need. On the other hand, we can have our need for deep and meaningful conversations met if that thinking type is also an extrovert. Also, remember that your mate will have values that might make it difficult or even impossible to satisfy one of your needs. For example, if that person isn’t a believer of your faith, your need for a community of understanding might not be met.

When our mates don’t meet our needs, we may harbor resentments that can last for years and, in not so subtle ways, undermine our feelings of love. What’s impossible is that our mate will be able to satisfy all our needs. What’s real is that some of our needs won’t be met. I can hear Maryann, a woman I coached say, “Dr. Bob, you mean my relationship with Roger will never be perfect?”

Bob: “Relationships not only can’t be perfect, it would be terrible if they were.”

Maryann: “How’s that?”

Bob: “Think about it for a minute. If Roger were perfect, how would you feel about it?”

Maryann: “I’d love it!”

Bob: “Think again, but be honest. What would happen to your sense of self if Roger were like a god in your life?”

Maryann: “Hum, as I think about it, if Roger were perfect, I’d feel worse about myself. In fact, I’d probably be down on myself more than I am. I’d be asking myself, “Why would Roger want to be with me?”

Bob: “Anything else coming up about that?”

Maryann: “Being more insecure, I’d probably be worrying all the time about him leaving me.”

Bob: “So, what are you seeing now?”

Maryann: “A bit of imperfection isn’t too bad.”

Bob: “Absolutely. You know you’re not perfect and you know that Roger isn’t perfect, so your relationship is normal. See, as long as you and Roger can meet many of each other’s needs, your love for each other will grow. Balance is the key.”

Maryann: “I don’t get the balance piece.”

Bob: “Think of it this way. Anytime something is taken to an extreme it will create problems. For example, if Roger met all your needs you might begin to feel that he’s better than you. Also, you’d feel the pressure to satisfy all his needs. How would you like that?”

Maryann: “It would make me uptight I think.”

Bob: “When both of you try to satisfy as many of each other’s needs as possible knowing you can’t meet them all, you’re coming into balance. Not too many needs met; not too few. Just right, we might say. When you achieve that middle position, neither of you will think you’re perfect.  This will take the pressure off, which will make it possible for both of you to laugh at the idea that relationships can be perfect. Yet, knowing that, you’ll still be able to satisfy many of each other’s needs. You don’t have to be perfect to do that, just be willing to do it.  If you get more than half of your needs satisfied, feel lucky!”

One of the things that screws up love is expecting the impossible from our mates. We’re all limited in the ways we can respond to each others needs. Having said that, I have to tell you that most people don’t do a very good job of communicating their needs to their mates. Why is that? It’s because we hate feeling needy. It makes us feel dependent, which for most people, makes their egos feel small. Since they hate feeling small, they hide their needs instead of expressing them. They wait, longing for the moment when, as if by magic, their mates will read their minds and satisfy an important need.

This is part of what I call “magical thinking.” We believe that our mates should be able to read our minds as well as our feelings. They should be able to know what we need and respond in the ways we desire. When they don’t, we become frustrated and upset. Well, the fact is that your mate can’t read your mind and you can’t read your mate’s mind. Realizing this, doesn’t it make sense to be out front in communicating what each of you needs from the other?

Well, it does to me. So, instead of waiting for your mate to give you a hug when you’re upset about something, ask for a hug. It will feel almost as good as if your mate did it without you asking. When both of you ask for what you need, your love will grow because you’ll realize how dependence on each other is a good, not a bad, thing. By balancing independence and dependence, you nourish relationship.

The more you communicate your needs, the more satisfaction each of you will attain. But, be prepared not to have all your needs met by your mate. Some of those needs you’ll have to satisfy on your own or perhaps friends and family can help out.

Relationships are flawed from the beginning. The secret of creating a loving, long-term relationship is to accept the flaws you can’t change and to work toward changing the ones you can. This is what makes love an adventure. Hey, if it were easy, reaching your 50^th Anniversary wouldn’t be so special.

Coaching Tips

■ Sit down with a piece of paper and write down a list of needs that you want your mate to satisfy. Then, put checks alongside the ones your mate satisfies on a regular basis. The next step is to circle the needs that your mate isn’t satisfying. Have your mate go through the same process and then get together to discuss your discoveries and how you can make some changes so more of your needs and mate’s needs can be satisfied. Make satisfying each other’s needs one of the goals of your relationship. From this, love will grow.

■ Knowing that your mate won’t be able to meet all your needs, think about other ways to meet them. If your mate doesn’t like to travel and you love it, what about joining a travel club? Think creatively about what you can do. You have resources for satisfying your own needs. Use them.

■ Quit using “magical thinking,” believing that your mate can read your mind and your feelings. Instead of waiting and hoping for what you need, ask for it. Remember, it’s okay to feel and be needy. Dependence on another person for the satisfaction of our needs gives that person’s life meaning.  When you quit using magical thinking and ask for what you need instead, you can buy my sweatshirt with the inscription: “I’m Free to Be Dependent. Try it and You’ll Like It!”

As part of the issue of needing control, we need to discuss how you manipulate your mate to get your way. You might also want to think about how your mate manipulates you. See, humans are very tricky. When we want our way, we can ask for it or, more likely, we’ll devise a strategy of manipulation. Asking for our way seems almost too honest and direct; whereas manipulation is creative and somewhat diabolical. Asking for our way dwells in the light of day; manipulation is the spirit of the night.

Think about the various strategies you use to get your way. Do you pout, cry, become angry, threaten to leave, cuddle up, or give compliments? For a few minutes, become aware of your leading strategies for getting your mate to do what he or she doesn’t want to do. Now, if your mate wants to do what you want to have done, there’s no need to manipulate, because no power is necessary. Power and the accompanying manipulation come into play when your mate is resistant to what you want. When resistance appears is when you dig into your strategy bag for power ideas. “Let’s see, what can I do to pressure or cajole? Oh, here’s an interesting possibility. I could withdraw to show that I’m hurt, hoping to get sympathy. No, wait, here’s a better strategy. I’ll attack with the words ‘Now I know you’ve never loved me’.”

When we want something badly enough and our mate resists, manipulation may be our only recourse. Both mates in a relationship have power resources, that is, they have special and acceptable ways of trying to get their way. Men may first use arguments to persuade and, if that fails, use threats, or become verbally abusive. Women may first try to persuade and, if that fails, use threats or become verbally abuse. These days, men and women use some of the same strategies, including crying and withdrawing. Men are probably more apt to withdraw than cry, although they’re neglecting one of their most powerful resources. If you’ve ever seen a man cry, you’ll know that we’ll bend over backwards to console him, much more so than for a crying woman. Just like children learn early, crying is a great way to get our way. If men were smarter they’d use crying more often, which only goes to show that women are smarter.

Bringing things together, what are the resources you have to get your way? Which are your most often used resources? How do you use them? And with what effects? If you resort to conflict, could there be a more cooperative approach that would produce the results you want? It turns out that mates who cooperate to get and give have relationships that work better. They quit manipulating and start communicating in the spirit of compromise. How could you become one of those people?

Coaching Tips

■ Think about how you manipulate your mate to get your way. Be specific. What exactly do you do?

■ Become aware of the resources you have at your disposal to overcome your mate’s resistance to what you want. What are your favored resources and how do you use them in terms of strategy? What’s your winning strategy?

■ Become aware of the effectiveness of your strategies. Do they create long-term animosity that ruins love? What other more constructive ways, could you use to get what you want and need? What changes in communication would you create?

Control, control, control! These three words can mess up a relationship in a hurry. For example, if one member of the relationship thinks “I’m the boss” or behaves that way, a series of conflicts will start that may last for sixty years. Getting back to the idea that we live in a human zoo, be aware that there is one type of animal who loves to control. It’s the thinking and planning type. They take control to do us and the world a favor. They know that their way is the best way for everyone. They can’t help it; it’s the animal they are. Both sexes can be of this type. If you and your mate are both thinking and planning types, prepare for battles that will make World War II into a training camp.

We all know that men have worked hard to be in control for centuries and are just now beginning to lose their grip on it. I mention this to show that gender can trump personality type; for example, in the old days, a guy who did not have a head for planning anything, not even a trip to the grocery store, still felt he had the right to plan his wife’s life, his children’s life, and maybe even the life of his next door neighbor.

In a sense, this was like the Divine Right of Kings, a cleaver devise created by kings to get their way. Well, men had a Divine Right of Men and it worked well to keep them in control for centuries. Some men who still believe in it can screw up their relationships in a hurry. The reason? After buying into the myth of the Divine Right of Men for centuries, women quit believing it. When that happened, suddenly reality appeared for everyone to see. The reality? Men were no better than women and, as some women say today (and they have a good case) men are not as good as women. When you look at how the world is being shredded by war and violence and then you look at who’s doing the shredding, you start believing in the Divine Right of Women.

Okay, we’ve established that there are men and women, who, because of their psychological type, will want control. We’ve established that men, many incompetent, tried to keep control over their wives and children, but they’ve lost their grip on it. Even now, relationships still get screwed up by men who are living in the past. They think they’re still wearing a crown.

I opened up with the question of control, but this post is about a special way we create it—it’s by being right. If you watch people carefully for one day, you’ll notice how many are trying to prove their right. When they can prove it to their satisfaction, they will feel good. Do you know why? It’s because being right makes their egos feel bigger. Imagine that your ego is a balloon that inflates or deflates depending on what happens. For example, if you prove you’re right about something, your ego will expand. When it does, you’ll feel better about yourself and life will seem really peachy. However, if you’re proven wrong, your ego will deflate and you’ll feel little and bad. Feeling bad will make your mood bad which can turn a beautiful day into a nightmare.

It’s no wonder that people what to be right and avoid being wrong. They’re just managing the size of their egos so they feel good enough to get out of bed in the morning.

Now, what does this have to do with relationships? Everything! Many conflicts in relationships will be about “who’s right.” Who’s right about spending money, sex, and the right way to cook? If being right is a part of it, there will be a struggle. Sometimes, it may get real nasty.

Think about how often you fight with your mate about who’s right? Or you might be the quiet type who doesn’t fight but knows in your heart that your mate is wrong. How often does your mate fight about who’s right?

Now, fighting about who’s right isn’t always about who’s right. It’s about who’s in control. When you catch yourself struggling to be right and arguing about it, you might, just might, take a moment to ask, “Am I just wanting control here?” If you find yourself answering “Yes,” there’s a good chance you’ll discover that what you’re arguing about isn’t worth your time. Think about how many times it made no difference about who was right or wrong.

Relationships become better because the mates become more aware of their behavior as human beings—that much of what they say and do has to do with ego size management and wanting things a certain way because of who they are as animals in the human zoo. The more aware two people are about what’s driving them to do what they do, the more they can move out of automatic and into choice. This will give love a chance. In fact,, it might even bloom.

Coaching Tips

■ Think about whether you’re a “control freak.” That’s a person who has to have control over everything, including the smallest thing. In fact, you know someone is a control freak when the smallest things matter as much as the larger ones. They are addicted to control. If you’re one of these people, admit it and then ask yourself if the world would crumble if you gave up a bit of control. Yikes, I can feel your anxiety, because having control makes you feel secure, while giving it up makes you feel vulnerable. News flash! “Human beings discover that being flexible can make them feel secure because it gives them the ability to adapt to life. One control freak is saved.”

■ When you catch yourself fighting with your mate about what’s right, ask yourself, is this really about control? If it is, discuss how you can share the control.

■ Start noticing how much of your life is devoted to ego size management. When you do, you’ll begin to understand why some people screw up their relationships while others become gardeners of love.

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