Screwing Up Love

I can tell you now that many men aren’t going to like this post. The reason? They don’t want to give up their privileges, which may include doing nothing much around the house, like cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, and other things that seem like work.

Women are supposed to do those things. Some men even believe women have a natural gift for grunt work, although they’ll never admit it in public. It would make them look bad. To screw up a relationship, just make sure that the work load is one-sided. This is most likely a woman doing too much of the work but I also keep open the rare possibility that the man does too much. There are some men out there who have evolved, who have lost their tails. They’re the ones who want to carry half of the work load in a relationship.

Any time work loads are out of balance, the issues of rationalization and justice creep in. For the person not doing his or her share, all kinds of reasons will be invented to support the idea of doing less, like “I don’t have the time,” “It’s not my role,” and “I hate doing that”, like cooking, cleaning, and taking out the garbage.

For the person who’s overworked, justice will emerge as a powerful idea. This person will experience the lack of balance in work load and will want a change, although she or he might not push for it. Some people, even when they see the injustice of the situation, won’t push if they know their mates are going to fight about it. Wanting to avoid a fight, they give in, staying in their harness even though the load is too heavy.

So, here’s the point. If you’re carrying too much of the load in your relationship and you’re obediently carrying it, you’re screwing up your relationship. How’s that? You’re going to hate your mate, perhaps without saying it, because you know that you’re being used and abused.

If you’re not carrying your weight, you’re screwing up your relationship because you’re making your mate hate you for being so unjust. You may not hear the hate, but it’s simmering and will eventually come out in ways that will surprise you. Hate can flow from one realm of life into another. If it can’t come out in honest communication, it will come out suddenly in an entirely different realm. You won’t know why your mate is so angry about picking up your messes. Well, it’s because you’re not carrying your weight.

The fact is that uneven work loads create uneven relationships and marriages. Anything out of balance will create instability. Instability will create conflicts. Conflicts will create arguments. Arguments will undermine love. When love is undermined, get ready to flush the toilet, because that’s where your relationship is going.

Coaching tips:

■ Work with your mate to equalize the workload in your relationship. Do it consciously, not haphazardly. Keep working on it until you both feel like justice is being served. This will strengthen your relationship and nourish love.