Screwing Up Love

There are two simple reasons why people love sex—at least most people. (There are actually people who hate sex, which only goes to prove that the Almighty Coach loves diversity.) One reason most people love sex is that is feels so good. The other more important reason is you forget who you are, who your mate is, and that you’re in debt above your eyeballs. A sublime organism produces the closest thing to what heaven might be like—no egos and no worries. It’s no wonder that people try to have this experience over and over again. Oh, I should add that sex is also necessary for propagating our species, although with day-to-day sex most people aren’t trying to propagate.

Okay, I want to admit that anything I say about sex is biased because I’m a man. I know that no matter how hard I try to understand women’s sexuality, I’ll fall short. In fact, I expect to miss the mark. So, as you read what I say here, take it with more than a grain of salt. I’d say take it with a whole box of salt.

Now guys reading this will immediately understand what I say, because “guys are guys,” which means—when they’re young—they mainly think about one thing, where to put their “Willie.” I’m giving it a proper name here, with apologies to all the “Willies” out there, because guys form a very close personal relationship with their Willies. They can’t help it because they can’t quit thinking about what to do with it. You see, when guys are young, by that I mean teens to thirty, it’s like there’s a fire hose between their legs. When they see a beautiful woman (or man if they’re gay), the fire hose expands until it’s nearly flying out of their pants. Now, you women might laugh at this, but it’s no laughing matter, as any young man will tell you. It’s a kind of agony with a twist of ecstasy throw in.

The reason young men can’t make love like Johnny Depp in the film “Don Juan DeMarco” is because they’re in a big hurry to blast off to relieve the pressure. Older guys, who have survived the fire hose stage actually become the kind of lovers that many women want. (Remember the box of salt.) It’s the Don Juan DeMarco kind of guy, who wisps his finger tips lightly over every part of her body, especially the good parts. He’s the kind of guy who isn’t in a hurry, but wants to savor the sensuality and in a moment of madness even throws in a good massage.

Now, when a guy reaches sixty, the fire hose is gone. In its place is something akin to a wet noodle, one that needs coaxing just to wake up. Still, even at this subdued stage of life sex can be wonderful, especially for the woman who now gets to have organisms three hours long because that’s about the length of time it takes for a sixty something guy to get it off. There’s a woman who wrote a book about how you can lose weight having sex. Well, I can guarantee you that a guy over sixty is losing a ton of weight because he’s working his butt off. The woman isn’t doing three hours of push ups, so I’m sure she’ll only lose a quarter of a pound. The sixty year old guy will have to cinch up his belt afterward.

Now, how did I get into this? Well, it’s because sex is like a story I’ve been living in for so long I can’t wait to get it off your chest. Like what about the difference between men and women in terms of the number of times they want to get in the sack per week (some guys would say per day)? This reminds me of a guy in his late twenties named Stan who I coached. He came to me because he was frustrated with sex. He put it this way: “My wife is willing to have sex once every two weeks, while I want it twice every day. I’m so frustrated I could explode.”

Bob: “Stan, you definitely have a problem here. Have you and your wife talked about a solution?”

Stan: “We scarcely talk about it, but we do have some juicy fights.”

Bob: “Get anywhere with fighting?”

Stan: “We’ve tried some things. The current one my wife dreamt up. Now, don’t laugh when I tell you this.”

Bob: “I’ll try not to.”

Stan: “Well, she made a little flagpole, with a small red flag on it and a pull string. When she gets warmed up to the idea that sex might be fun, she hoists the flag. I go out of my mind with anticipation when I see that red flag blowing in the wind. I usually give her a big hug, a passionate kiss and then she says, “Now be patient.” Be patient? Be patient? I’m not a dog who can obey a command; I’m a horny guy. I know a lot of guys my age and when they’re horny, they’re never patient.”

Bob: “I like the flag idea because it’s clever, but it doesn’t seem to be working for you, does it?”

Stan: “In a way it does, because I’m no longer badgering her like I was. Still, do you know what it’s like to be looking for that little flag to go up each day? It’s torture, let me tell you!”

Okay, this is the guys’ point of view. They see sex as necessary not as an option. When they’re young, they would love to find a mate who raises that little flag at least one a day, although most guys might be willing to say at least once a week. If I were those guys, I’d be putting that flag up myself, telling my wife that it was an act of divine intervention, proof that the Almighty Coach has a heart of gold.

Okay, now I’m going to go onto thin ice. I’m going to make up a story—notice I didn’t say fact—about women’s take on sex. Unlike men, who are driven to have sex when they’re young, women heat up their sex furnaces as they mature. About forty is the time when a women is going to be raising that little red flag a little more often. Now, by this time, the man has cooled down a bit, so a nice balance arises, where the man is more patient and more eager to please his mate and the woman is more eager to be pleased. In some ways, the forties could be called “the golden years of sex,” but for the women the gold has a big vein that lasts for years afterward. As she develops trust and freedom, a woman learns to let go, becomes wilder in a way, and this makes sex more satisfying for her. Now, the man can help her out if he learns to approach her with sensitivity of Don Juan DeMarco rather than the heavy hands of Attila the Hun. When he does, the woman will respond in surprisingly beautiful ways. Love grows from this change.

So, here we are, with two approaches to sex—the man’s horny “let’s get it done” approach and the woman’s gentle, rise to the point of passion, desire for psychological oblivion. She needs time to build her organism to the point where she can hear angels singing; whereas, the guy just needs to quickly unload his gun. Bang, it’s over for him.

If the truth be told, a feeling of hatred builds up between men and women about sex. Men in their sexual prime (the fire hose stage) hate women for controlling the “if” and “when” of sex. Women of the same age hate men for pushing and insisting on it. This reminds me of a note I saw scrawled on the wall of a public john. It said, “If women always said ‘Yes’, I’d be a much happier man.” I can imagine the note on the women’s side. “If men would quit asking, I’d be a much happier woman.”

Now, what I want to know is how men and women have had sex for many eons and still talk to each other? Well, it’s because, even though sex causes hatred and really, really, really big blowups, it’s also necessary. It’s like the Almighty Coach has paid a trick on us. It has made sex urges a part of us. It’s made sex fantastic, an eyeball bulging experience that allows us to obliterate memory for a short time, and don’t forget that it’s also a good way to lose weight. Setting us at odds with each other in the bedroom, the Almighty Coach wants to see us work it out. Okay, here’s the question. Do we ever really work it out to both sexes’ satisfaction?

I’m leaving the answer to that question up to you. However, as a man in his late sixties, I can say that the fires of lust burn with far less intensity so the embers of love can begin to glow. Instead of thinking sex, you begin to think about intimacy. With “sex lust” out of the way, romance and love take over. There’s a depth of love that the young can’t imagine, because they still have a healthy load of lust working on their minds and bodies. You know, they call the sixties and seventies (maybe even the eighties) the golden years, I think because of the freedom that comes with aging. But I think of the golden years as a time when lust gives way to love and superficial gives way to real depth. It’s at that point where you and your mate grow together and your love deepens.

Also, in later years, with lust having left town, you’re able to see and interact with the opposite sex in a nonsexual way. Sexual fantasy is replaced with warm, human contact and communication. In a way, it’s like being a child again, before the juices of puberty kick in. There’s more playfulness and fun.

Notice that this post is longer than the others. Actually, I could have written a book on the subject, but I want to make this post short enough so you can read it while either thinking about raising the little flag or waiting for it to be raised.

Coaching Tips

■ If you’re a young man, you have my sympathy. There’s nothing much that you can do but wait until you’re older. Yes, older can be better. When you and your mate are in your forties, something will happen that will balance the sexual urges of your two natures. When that balance emerges, sex will become more romance than necessity.

■ Sex isn’t evil, unless you force someone to do what they don’t want to do. If you’re doing what you both want to do, enjoy it! Communicate with each other, so both of you get what you want.

■ If you fight about sex, try to find solutions together like the little red flag, but know that the solutions won’t be perfect. There will still be times when you resent each other, the guy because his mate doesn’t raise the red flag often enough, and the woman because her guy keeps raising the flag on his own.

■ If you’re a guy, see the movie Don Juan DeMarco. It will show you how women want to be romanced. If you’re a woman, see it with your guy and then have a long talk over a glass of wine about how to work together to put more romance into sex. It will deepen your love for each other.