Screwing Up Love

By now, you’re probably wondering if there an end to all the things that screw up love.  Well, the good news is that there is an end: The bad news is that we’re not there yet. This chapter covers a humongous issue that affects whether relationships thrive or die on the vine—FEAR! “Yikes”, I can hear you feel. “I don’t want to think about my fears. They’re too damn scary.” I have to agree, which is why most people don’t want to face them when thinking about their relationships. Being a love coach, I get to make you face what you don’t want to see because I know that you’ll growth from it.

Just think about all the fears you have that are connected to your relationship. Here’s a possible list.

You’re afraid it won’t last.

You’re afraid of losing passion.

You’re afraid of stagnation.

You’re afraid that your mate will have an affair.

You’re afraid that you might have an affair.

The interesting thing about fear is that it always creates a negative story. Think about your fears for a moment and then describe the stories that each one inspires in your mind. Then ask yourself what impact those fear-laden stories have on you, your relationship, and love.

Do they make you too cautious, too worried, or too tense?

Everyone has fears. They’re actually useful because they warn us of danger. Yet, if we think about fear as a thought, we discover that it always exaggerates the worst possible outcome. It’s like nature exaggerates our fears just to keep us on our toes because nature wants to make us secure and successful. Yet, if we buy the idea that fears are exaggerations, it’s also clear that they make us worry too much and make us so cautious that we’re reluctant to try anything new.

Take a minute to review the fears you’ve identified pertaining to love in your relationship. Instead of thinking they’re true, be skeptical about them. Seeing them as exaggerations of danger or disaster, see how your fear-laden stories change. For example, if you have a fear that your mate is going to leave you or be disloyal, stop and realize that story is completely blown out of proportion. When you get that fear down to the size of reality,  something will change within you that will improve your relationship and nourish love. What’s that, you’re probably wondering? When people worry too much about their mate running out on them or having an affair, they automatically cling to their mates, maybe even smother them without knowing it.

Have you ever been in a situation where someone smothered you, showing that they didn’t trust you? If you did, I’ll bet you rebelled against it. Anything overdone will create a correction. What fears do is to make us overdo things, which throws us, our life, and our relationship out of balance. When you see how important it is to seek balance within your mind, your relationships,  and your life, you can buy my tee shirt. Inscribed on front are the words, “What makes relationships work?” On the back is the answer:  “Balance.”

When we discover that our fears are exaggerations, we’re given the ability to create more balance. We lower the danger and disaster aspects of our fears so we can live and act with more confidence and courage. By putting brakes on our fears, we establish just the right around of balance to have great relationships. Just think how things will improve by putting the story that your mate will leave you in the closet. My grandfather used to say, “When you shrink down your fears to fit in the palm of your hand, you find a freer way to live and be.”

Coaching Tips

■ Take a moment to write down all the fears you have about your relationship.

■ Take your leading two fears and briefly describe the story that each conjures up in your mind. Think about the damage those stories create in your relationship.

■ Taking each of your fears in turn, describe how it’s an exaggeration. What is the real probability that it will come true? After you’ve finished shrinking down your fears to fit in the palm of your hand, go back to your two leading fears and rewrite your stories. Knowing that your fears are totally blown out of proportion, how will your relationship improve?